brown eyed monster

take the title for what it is. the last few days have seem completely out of whack. I really can't emphasize how empty I've felt...and it seems CRAZY. Yes, I said it crazy. I'd be an absolute mess without him. Ugh.

If you know me, and most of you do even if you read my blogs know how much of a walking disaster I am. I always seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and somehow always getting stuck in the middle of some buuulllllshiiiiit. I don't know how....I don't put myself in the situation...or maybe I do but I don't put myself out there like bait for this shit. It's amazing the drama I experienced working at a gym because I've decided men are SO much more dramatic than women and it amazes me that some people really have nothing better to do but wanna jeopardize your life cuz theirs sucks.

Sometimes I feel like fergie when a girl can't help it in the sense that I don't stay single for too long. (clumsy? ring a bell...ok so cliche, I know!) So, is that an insecurity or what? I don't mean for it to happen...it's just seems to work that way lately. I managed to keep myself busy yet happy for months with more confidence than I anticipate. But I do what I want and yet, I'm still a huge home body. My girl came over with eighty dollars worth of arts and crafts from Michaels and cartoons from the 40's and 50's and I had an AMAZING time. I am SO mac'n'cheese. I'm beginning to think men are more complex than women! Don't get me wrong, I def get lonely and frankly, every time I find someone worthy of dating and I let my walls down, they freak out and just want something casual (which i've yet to figure out)...or they dont make the commitment because trust is always an issue. Reality check yo, you cant have your cake and eat it too. It's called compromise.

I'm having a hard time deciding what's best because obviously I want whats best for me. I've been told feelings that seem true , genuine and when a guy does that I feel like...it's something to take personal and I take it to heart. It means a lot and kind of a big deal...maybe I'm a sensative beezie and I over analyze everything but when you feel like you meet the man of your dreams and you've figured out that maybe he has everything but one tinnnny miniscule thing that seems to make the biggest difference, can there be a balance...? Is it fixable? Or am I completely damaged? I think I'm completely undatable according to my friends. I constantly put myself in the friend zone because I've always been a tomboy, I've always wanted to do dude things and mainly because I grew up not knowing how to be entirely girly. For gods sake, I didn't learn how to put make up on until I was in college!!! HELLLLOOO!!!!

All I know is I'm real and I'm honest and sometimes I think that gets me into more trouble than lying and opening my legs. WTF people? Ugh, I'm soooo not good at expressing what I'm feeling or blogging for that matter. Call me rookie. What the fuck ever.
Honestly, I try to consider myself pretty easy going. It doesn't take much to amuse me but it does take effort to impress me, love me...and furthermore effort to keep me around. I like to laugh and have fun, I work hard for everything I have and this year especially, I've definitely learned what not to take for granted. I'm truly thankful to wake up everyday and fortunate I have UH job. BUT I do feel that I deserve to be treated kindly. Like I said, I may be somewhat of a tomboy still but really I'm a big hopeless romantic. Sometimes yes, I do like to be cheesy. Sometimes yes, I do like to dress up, plus sometimes yes, I like to be called pretty, and fuck me if I'm wrong but the best feeling in the world is feeling appreciated and/or wanted from the one you desire the most. I'm not saying I'm gods gift to earth but I do take everything important to me seriously whether it be work, school, or relationships. I always put 110% into everything I aspire. I never used to but shit, I'm merely 27 and what do I have? A college degree, whooopie...cuz finding a job in AZ is pretty much inevitable. But I'm working on it.

At this point, honestly, I'm not sure what to do or where to go...I've decided I'm somewhat of a gypsy and I'm okay with that. I really REALLY try and stay positive. I've already suffered the experience getting laid off or fired from three different employers in the last year. I've lost friends over money and respect for family over the same thing. I've been evicted and screwed over by a friend at the same time. I've managed to blow all my savings from my FT job of four years just to get by, sold random things from my bedroom just to make gas money and sold furniture to eat. I've been working steadily but yet still can never manage to catch up.

The only thing I can do is have faith and stay positive. I could keep naming all the things I've felt salty about but is my life really that bad? No. I'm probably pretty lucky compared to some ,so carping isn't going to do me justice.

So if you've been wondering what I've been doing, I've just been getting by but still having fun, in hopes to find someone to spend it with. :)